My Heart

I am just struggling lately. I know that God's ways are bigger than mine. I know that He knew this would happen from the beginning of time. It's just really hard. I think the greatest struggle is just me missing our boy. I know that he wasn't "really" ours, but in my heart he is. I pray, pray, pray that one day I will see him again. There was nothing we could have done to change the outcome of that experience, but it just remains one of the most difficult things I have ever endured. Dave is still struggling with whatever is going on with him. The good part is, he's spending more time in prayer, and relying more fully on God rather than himself. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I am just leaning into my God and praying for His peace.

I will sing of Your mercies that lead me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy!

This may be the last post we have on this blog for a while. Dave and I have spoken to other adoptive families, our families, and our social worker and have decided to put our adoption on hold. Dave's health is still sort of uncertain right now, and we don't understand what is going on with him. He's being scheduled for some testing, and given some medication, but so far he's not better and we still don't have any answers. But we know that God is faithful. In other news, 2 days before our scheduled trip to Ukraine, I found out that I am expecting a baby! It was incredibly overwhelming and we are so thankful! I have such joy in this pregnancy and such sorrow that we aren't pursuing our adoption right now. But God's plans are bigger than mine, and His ways are different than mine. As Isaiah 45:9 says: "Does the clay say to the potter 'what are you making?'" I have to remind myself it's not my plans and not my way, and I have such peace and joy in that.

Finding Peace and Seeking God's will

What does God want us to do right now regarding adoption?  We boarded a plane to fly to Ukraine yesterday to continue our quest to adopt.  In the days leading up to yesterday, Dave had many physical and emotional symptoms of anxiety and stress.  He thought we needed to power through and go to on Ukraine.  Yesterday, on the way to the airport, he felt completely overwhelmed emotionally and physically.  He never had any sort of issue the first two times we went to Ukraine.  He was excited and healthy.  This time he had a very strong feeling that we just needed to go back home. I kept asking what was happening. Was he sick? Did he miss the kids? I told him that if he and I were not 100% sure, and 100% on the same page, we didn't need to get on the flight. He said we needed to go, and we boarded the flight to Charlotte. After landing in Charlotte, it was like he couldn't go any further. His reasons for not wanting to quit right now were not from the Lord. They were about worrying about what other people would think. After speaking with our family and our social worker, we cancelled the rest of our flights to Ukraine and flew back home. Once the decisions had been made Dave felt at peace about the decision to postpone our trip right now. We spent time yesterday talking and in prayer for the situation. We have talked over with our kids and family what their thoughts are. We still have 2 potential appointments we can request from Ukraine to complete an adoption. Right now we are continuing to seek God's will for our lives and covet your prayers for us.

Sitting in the Charlotte Airport

Well, Dave and I are sitting in the airport in Charlotte. We are not going to Ukraine today. We left Birmingham this morning thinking things would go one way and they're definitely going a different way. We are heading home tonight, and will post more at a later time as an explanation of sorts. Right now, we would definitely appreciate your prayers.

An Update!

We have received our official invitation to visit the Department of Adoption in Kiev on July 12th at 12 noon. We had sort of expected to go sooner, but this gives us a little time to prepare at least. The kids are finishing up with school, and while I would love to take them back with us, right now it's just not possible. So for now we're getting things together and trying to prepare our family and home! I don't have as much anxiety as I did last time, but the same doesn't seem to be true for the rest of the family. So for now, please pray for:
1) Our family to be anxiety-free!
2) For our kids to be OK for the time mom and dad are gone.
3) Protection of our health (mental and physical)
4) Smooth travel without delays
5) That the child we are seeking will be available to us
6) For a smooth and quick process this time around
7) For everyone we're going to be in contact with, that we can do a good job of witnessing to God's grace and mercy

The Latest Info

I spoke to our social worker today. She said that Ukraine is still in the midst of celebrating Easter, and that we probably won't hear anything until next week. She thinks we will likely hear about travel at the same time, and that we could potentially travel the week of May 20th or 27th. So we shall see what happens in the next week or so. I don't think I am quite as nervous about the preparing and traveling part this time as I have been previously, although I think the Lufthansa strikes may cause a bit of a problem. But we'll see. So prayer requests for now:

1) that we get some news soon, and that we can travel before the end of May.
2) preparation of our hearts, and the heart of the child.
3) that we would have all the funds we need
4) for our girls, my mom, and my sister who will be holding down the fort here.
5) that we can just get everything done!

OK, OK

My devotional last Friday, as we were praying for guidance and wisdom was from the following passage: 2 Corinthians 4

Treasure in Fragile Clay Jars

1 Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this new way, we never give up. 2 We reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods. We don’t try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this.
3 If the Good News we preach is hidden behind a veil, it is hidden only from people who are perishing. 4 Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.
5 You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.
13 But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” 14 We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15 All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.
16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
{emphasis mine}

So we won't give up on this adoption right now. We will persevere for as long as we need to. I am thankful for our sweet girls, who said very much the same thing when we discussed with them what we should do. "We can't give up!", was the resounding answer. So, with this renewal of spirit we will press on. Our social worker believes she can submit our immigration paperwork on March 14th. Please pray for a speedy turnaround and that we can get this sent off as soon as possible to Ukraine.