My Heart

I am just struggling lately. I know that God's ways are bigger than mine. I know that He knew this would happen from the beginning of time. It's just really hard. I think the greatest struggle is just me missing our boy. I know that he wasn't "really" ours, but in my heart he is. I pray, pray, pray that one day I will see him again. There was nothing we could have done to change the outcome of that experience, but it just remains one of the most difficult things I have ever endured. Dave is still struggling with whatever is going on with him. The good part is, he's spending more time in prayer, and relying more fully on God rather than himself. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I am just leaning into my God and praying for His peace.

I will sing of Your mercies that lead me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy!

This may be the last post we have on this blog for a while. Dave and I have spoken to other adoptive families, our families, and our social worker and have decided to put our adoption on hold. Dave's health is still sort of uncertain right now, and we don't understand what is going on with him. He's being scheduled for some testing, and given some medication, but so far he's not better and we still don't have any answers. But we know that God is faithful. In other news, 2 days before our scheduled trip to Ukraine, I found out that I am expecting a baby! It was incredibly overwhelming and we are so thankful! I have such joy in this pregnancy and such sorrow that we aren't pursuing our adoption right now. But God's plans are bigger than mine, and His ways are different than mine. As Isaiah 45:9 says: "Does the clay say to the potter 'what are you making?'" I have to remind myself it's not my plans and not my way, and I have such peace and joy in that.

Finding Peace and Seeking God's will

What does God want us to do right now regarding adoption?  We boarded a plane to fly to Ukraine yesterday to continue our quest to adopt.  In the days leading up to yesterday, Dave had many physical and emotional symptoms of anxiety and stress.  He thought we needed to power through and go to on Ukraine.  Yesterday, on the way to the airport, he felt completely overwhelmed emotionally and physically.  He never had any sort of issue the first two times we went to Ukraine.  He was excited and healthy.  This time he had a very strong feeling that we just needed to go back home. I kept asking what was happening. Was he sick? Did he miss the kids? I told him that if he and I were not 100% sure, and 100% on the same page, we didn't need to get on the flight. He said we needed to go, and we boarded the flight to Charlotte. After landing in Charlotte, it was like he couldn't go any further. His reasons for not wanting to quit right now were not from the Lord. They were about worrying about what other people would think. After speaking with our family and our social worker, we cancelled the rest of our flights to Ukraine and flew back home. Once the decisions had been made Dave felt at peace about the decision to postpone our trip right now. We spent time yesterday talking and in prayer for the situation. We have talked over with our kids and family what their thoughts are. We still have 2 potential appointments we can request from Ukraine to complete an adoption. Right now we are continuing to seek God's will for our lives and covet your prayers for us.

Sitting in the Charlotte Airport

Well, Dave and I are sitting in the airport in Charlotte. We are not going to Ukraine today. We left Birmingham this morning thinking things would go one way and they're definitely going a different way. We are heading home tonight, and will post more at a later time as an explanation of sorts. Right now, we would definitely appreciate your prayers.

An Update!

We have received our official invitation to visit the Department of Adoption in Kiev on July 12th at 12 noon. We had sort of expected to go sooner, but this gives us a little time to prepare at least. The kids are finishing up with school, and while I would love to take them back with us, right now it's just not possible. So for now we're getting things together and trying to prepare our family and home! I don't have as much anxiety as I did last time, but the same doesn't seem to be true for the rest of the family. So for now, please pray for:
1) Our family to be anxiety-free!
2) For our kids to be OK for the time mom and dad are gone.
3) Protection of our health (mental and physical)
4) Smooth travel without delays
5) That the child we are seeking will be available to us
6) For a smooth and quick process this time around
7) For everyone we're going to be in contact with, that we can do a good job of witnessing to God's grace and mercy

The Latest Info

I spoke to our social worker today. She said that Ukraine is still in the midst of celebrating Easter, and that we probably won't hear anything until next week. She thinks we will likely hear about travel at the same time, and that we could potentially travel the week of May 20th or 27th. So we shall see what happens in the next week or so. I don't think I am quite as nervous about the preparing and traveling part this time as I have been previously, although I think the Lufthansa strikes may cause a bit of a problem. But we'll see. So prayer requests for now:

1) that we get some news soon, and that we can travel before the end of May.
2) preparation of our hearts, and the heart of the child.
3) that we would have all the funds we need
4) for our girls, my mom, and my sister who will be holding down the fort here.
5) that we can just get everything done!

OK, OK

My devotional last Friday, as we were praying for guidance and wisdom was from the following passage: 2 Corinthians 4

Treasure in Fragile Clay Jars

1 Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this new way, we never give up. 2 We reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods. We don’t try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this.
3 If the Good News we preach is hidden behind a veil, it is hidden only from people who are perishing. 4 Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.
5 You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.
13 But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” 14 We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15 All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.
16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
{emphasis mine}

So we won't give up on this adoption right now. We will persevere for as long as we need to. I am thankful for our sweet girls, who said very much the same thing when we discussed with them what we should do. "We can't give up!", was the resounding answer. So, with this renewal of spirit we will press on. Our social worker believes she can submit our immigration paperwork on March 14th. Please pray for a speedy turnaround and that we can get this sent off as soon as possible to Ukraine.

God Places the Lonely in Families

That was the title of a blog post I read yesterday. It's so true. Today we got news that we didn't want to get. Ukraine will not accept our immigration as it has less than 6 months before it expires. Our SW is trying to get a new approval expedited, though technically we can't apply for an extension until sometime in March, which will then put us into submission sometime in April or June. However, at that point our other paperwork will likely be declined since we signed it all in December. I feel it's been one thing after another, and right now we are unsure of what our next step should be. I've been praying that our steps would be clear, and that we would know without hesitation what we should do. We've tossed around a few ideas, but right now, Dave and I are not both at peace about the same idea. Please pray for us that we would know what we should do. Pray that we can find peace in whatever God's will is for us in this process. Two children have gone home because we went in obedience, but they didn't come to us. I wonder if it would have been better to be more circumspect, and now I understand why so many adoptive parents are. The pain is so unbearable when it's just your own, but when it's on display for the world to see, I almost feel like it's that much more. On the other side of that, is the absolute joy I've had in seeing how this has changed our family for the better. Our eyes have been open to plight of the orphan and those struggling around the world. Our focus has gone from the things of the Earth that will pass away, to the things that are eternal. I pray that God will fill the lonely in our family. I pray that His will is done, and that He can have mercy on us during this time. I pray that He will redeem our lives. So many times during this process, I have thought of Paul's obedience even through difficult times. I think of Solomon's words in Proverbs, and the words of the Psalmist and they comfort me. I am glad for the things we have gone through, and pray that God will direct our steps.

Here's what we know

Well, we don't know too much more right now. We finally got everything re-submitted to Jana, and it's all in Ukraine. Sasha is working on a submission date for our dossier, and then it'll be around 6 weeks before we hear anything. We've got no new information about the boy, but that's OK. We're waiting on Sasha for a bit more information on the situation, but we're not overly concerned about that at this point either. We did find out that we need to send him another $6,000 in advance for translation fees and fees he incurs during the time before and while we're in country. In essence we will need to raise about another $4,000. We're not terribly worried about that part since we've been completely blessed by God to have the money when we needed it! Please continue to pray for us in:
1) Preparation of the heart of our boy
2) Prepare our hearts and the hearts of Zoë and Addie
3) Ease of travel (getting plane tickets and no hold ups)
4) Peace during this time, and patience as well
5) For our families. We have been blessed to have most of our family support our decision and leading to adopt, but that is not universally the case. We've had some opposition which has been difficult. Additionally, that our families will understand and have patience with us as we go through this process.
6) That God would bless our finances enough that we would have the extra money needed.

Thank you to each and every one of you for your prayers and support. We've been so blessed to go through this difficult time. I pray that our hearts and attitudes can be what they need to be.

A little more info

I had been waiting until we discussed the opportunity with our kids and had sufficient time to pray about it, but now I can share a little more. A few days ago, our social worker presented us with an unusual opportunity for adoption in Ukraine. It seems there is a boy in foster care that needs to be adopted due to some circumstances in the foster family. We got a little bit of information about him and a picture. After talking to the kids about it, we have decided to go for it. Of course at this point we're cautiously optimistic, and proceeding as we had before. Our dossier is in Ukraine and being translated again, and we're just waiting for submission and our appointment. Dave and I will be fingerprinted again on Wednesday afternoon. Please pray for that because I basically have no fingerprints... they don't tell you in nursing school that that could be a problem since nurses tend to wash their hands so much. In any case, Merry Christmas! This is the first Christmas since traveling and expecting our son to be home with us, which is proving to be more difficult than I could have imagined. But we're happy and pressing forward with joy in the Lord!

An Opportunity

Well, we've been presented with a unique opportunity. We'd like to ask you to pray for us as we decide if this is something God wants us to pursue. We will share more as we get closer.

Well, that part is finally over...

The birth mother's final court hearing was yesterday, and the judge ruled to give her parental rights back.  We have felt that this conclusion was coming for a while.  Although it wasn't the conclusion we wanted, we are glad we can close this chapter.  We pray that this is good for the boy, and that his mother can keep her parental rights.  While we could appeal this ruling, that seems futile at this point.  We would have little chance of winning and this would just drag on for several more months. Our goal throughout this adoption has been to provide a home for a child without one. In a way we were able to do that. Without us spurring this mother on to change her life and try to regain her rights, he would be staying in an orphanage or completely changing his life by coming to a new country.

While this hurts, we do have a plan from here.  We plan on trying to adopt from Ukraine one more time.  We will need to update some of our paperwork, as much of it expires in November.  It will take a couple of months to get everything updated.  The cost won't be as great as starting over completely, but will be more than completing an adoption we had already started.  Once everything is approved again, we will head back to Kiev to get another referral for a child.  We hope to travel there in January, assuming all of our paperwork is completed and approved by then.  In the meantime, please pray that we can get all paperwork completed and approved, and that we will choose the referral for the child that God wants for us when that time comes.

Closing the Chapter

Well, I'm not sure what to type exactly, but this morning my devotional was about waiting expectantly. Waiting in faith on the Lord to change my circumstances, and know that any minute He's going to. We got an email from our social worker who heard from the facilitator in Ukraine. They said that they'd likely get a result some time in October. I know what you're thinking, October is next week. And it is, but in Ukraine everything seems to work a little more slowly. But I am waiting expectantly, for a conclusion to this chapter. I can't help but think that we can't give up hope about this child or the next, but know that whatever the Lord has for us will be right in the end. As I think about the roller coaster of emotions this process has been for us, I am so grateful for each step and each day. I am thankful that in my weakness, God is strong, and that He has given such amazing strength to Dave to drag me along on the days I want to give up. I am thankful for each person who has come along side us and supported us even when the process doesn't make sense, and it would have been easier to question why we were continuing and what we were doing wrong, because certainly if this was God's plan it would be going more smoothly. We don't have the answers, and I am thankful for that. If I knew, I wonder if that would make it any easier? I still pray each day for our boy, and know that God has a plan for his life, and I pray that one day it will be realized. I pray that God's glory would be revealed in His time. In the meantime, we continue with life, not giving up, and waiting expectantly.

The Master Plan :)

Well here is where we are after the meeting today.  We will wait for the final ruling from the judge on the mother's court case.  We think that will be by the end of this month.  Obviously, if the judge rules in our favor, we will head back to get that child.  If the judge doesn't rule in our favor (expected), we will work on updating and resubmitting paperwork to get referral for another child from the Ukraine SDA.  Our dossier that we sent is tied up in the court system in Bilgorod. So getting it back at this point is pretty much impossible. We will work on submitting a new dossier and other paperwork.  It will take a couple of months to do all of this, so hopefully we will head back to Ukraine around the first of next year.  We talked to our facilitator about finding a child in a region he is familiar with and feels confidant that we can successfully complete an adoption there.  He thinks he can do that.  We feel God wants us to adopt from here, so we are giving it one more try!  Thanks for your prayers!

Some Thoughts

This is extremely difficult for me. I don't think I can fully convey the pain we're in right now, but we're trusting that God is in control. We're thankful for the time we spent with him and that his mother is really trying to be a better mom, but grieving the loss of our boy, and what we thought was going to happen.  I think seeing my children grieving is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I'm reminded of the overwhelming feeling I had the first day we were in Bilgorod, that this just wasn't going to happen. I have been trying to not just go by emotions, so I thought maybe I was just overwhelmed by being separated from our kids... being in a completely foreign place. So I went along and poured my heart into our adoption. I am praying for God's mercy on our family during this time when we don't know why we're here or what's going to happen with this. But God is good. Even though these circumstances stink, He is good.

Not good news

I don't know what to say.  This process has dragged on forever.  Now the mother says she has a job and her bills are paid.  The judge is going to take some time to verify the job and think about this.  Our lawyer thinks that if the mother is telling the truth that she will get custody back.  I guess we will find out the outcome in a couple of weeks.  We aren't sure what to do if the mother gets custody back.  Please pray for us and what we should do.

Court Date

We just found out the mother's court date is next Monday, Labor Day.  Please pray for a positive conclusion for us and no more delays!

It's still August

Dave and I heard that the judge was coming back on August 20th, but it turned out she was going to be back at work today. I am really hoping that we find out something this week. Some days are harder than others. It's very difficult to describe the way we're feeling on a day to day basis, but I don't think it's something that can be described in a way that would help anyone understand. Sometimes I walk by his bedroom and just want to cry or scream, but I don't. And other times I'll just be sitting here and start crying and wonder why it hit me at that moment. So we're just waiting... I was reading Acts 16 yesterday, about Paul and Silas being in prison, and how they were just sitting there in chains still praising God, and He suddenly delivered them. I'm hoping that we will soon be delivered from this time. I'm so grateful to be here with my girls, and that our family is growing stronger and stronger because of what we're going through. I'm just hoping that this trial will be over soon.

It's August

Today my heart is hurting a little bit and missing my boy. I was laying awake the other night and I suddenly got worried that he wouldn't accept us when we go back. Everything we do resonates with the fact that he's still not here.

Tumblers

If anyone would like a customized tumbler in your choice of colors and letters, please let me know. Here is an example! They are $12, plus shipping if you need them shipped. Available colors are: lime green, turquoise, hot pink, blue, green, red, brown, white, mint green, light pink, black, and others. She is also able to do most school colors (Pelham, Thompson, AU, UA, UK, etc).